Dilemma

One cannot speak too rashly and make a blanket statement. That is what I'm learning today.

As soon as I labelled Wednesday my favorite day, it starts to fall apart. Interesting, isn't it?

It makes me want to punch something/someone, but I really haven't got that figured out.

At our church's ladies' Bible study, we had a nice older lady (Let's call her D for the sake of clarity) who had taken it her mission to care for the kids so that we moms upstairs can dig into the Word of God. We've known it for sometime, because D has given us her notice back in September, but after 5 years of service, D has ended her mission as her hubby needed her more at home and she was traveling more to see her family. We have greatly benefitted from that, and maybe even spoilt.

There were 4 of us that brought kids with us and I'm the only homeschool mom that brings her 5 and 8 year old. Before D took charge, we used to rotate downstairs every 15-20 minutes so that all can benefit while fervently praying for deliverance from our predicament. The last day of having D's care was about 3 weeks ago, and we have had nobody step forward to take her place, so we had to resort to our old routine. The other two ladies stopped coming, which left only 4 kids to care for.

The first week without D, I was a little annoyed because nobody seemed to want to take turns at all and I was down there over 30 min and so was the other lady. Only after the both of us had been down did a couple more reluctantly stood up to take their 15 min turn. It was as though there was a silent agreement of some sort that said only those that brought children should go down and take turns. And I kept thinking: "Did the other two know this and we didn't? Did I miss something?"

Last week, I took the first shift, and seeing no one had volunteered to relieve the other lady, I went back down to take my second shift. I was really disappointed with them all, but didn't really know how to communicate that so I didn't say a thing.

Now, don't get me wrong, all the ladies that come are all God-fearing lovely ladies. I love them to pieces. But I couldn't help but to feel this way these last 2 weeks. It was so uncomfortable and unsettling. So this morning I was thinking of not going. AT ALL. It was extremely unpleasant, and I hated having to feel "obligated" to take turn and really miss the bulk of the study. I felt as though they thought I was a "super-homeschool mom" and therefore unimaginable that I would treasure this time away from my kids.

And there it is.
It just doesn't match! All my hurt/disappointment/anger that accuses really doesn't match up to who these gals are. Because I know these gals. They do NOT think like that. In fact, the person who relieved me last week stood up to the plate after she saw me go back down and didn't see anyone stepping forward. She said to me "you shouldn't be down here; this isn't right."

Today, I had all of this in my mind as I took the first shift. It kept dragging on and on and on. I had a hunch that nobody remembered me downstairs because they were all to wrapped up in the study enjoying themselves. I was down there over an entire hour. I was irate. I couldn't get over the anger I felt. I was then just going to leave, and really not come back. I didn't know what to tell them, because I knew part of my anger was based on the assumption that was really unfounded. The whole thing goes back to not having the blessed person to solely take care of the kids during the Bible study. But what is one to do? As I was grappling with the timing to leave, an older lady came down to relieve me and I went back upstairs.

Did I mention how I CANNOT mask my feelings? (This is why I didn't do well in Japan!)

A couple of ladies noticed my facial expression - all contorted in attempt to conceal my disgust - and they were SO gentle. Man o man. I know now why God spared me having girls: I lack this sensitivity and have no idea how to help one! It took some while before I can get myself settled enough to concentrate on the study. All I had left was 20 minutes and I sure didn't want to waste it on my pity party.

We talked about many things, but I was still thinking "I'm not coming back next week" because it really nullified my forfeiting a perfectly productive Wed morning for homeschooling if I was just entertaining my kids and others downstairs. Then out of the blue, one of the ladies blurts out Hebrews 10:25 ("Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.") and then another lady whispers to me that I'm not allowed to go downstairs next week. The sad part is that this person who forbid me to go downstairs is the Seeker of the group. In the study, we were just finished talking about refraining from doing certain things in respect to others and doing certain things that one wouldn't normally do in favor of keeping harmony. She was taking it into heart. It is very humbling.

I wouldn't have gone if it was up to me. But God really arranged everything that I had to go. (I won't go into detail.) So somehow I know I was supposed to go and for the group's edification. I don't know how, but I guess God is going to accomplish that.

So I'm praying that my "favorite" Wednesday will be restored; that God will provide us with another who will step into the first lady's absence; that God will soften my heart and help me to sort out my thoughts and bring it to obedience to His; that God will continue to grow our group more in the image of His Son.