Que mangiata!

It is 3 am in the morning, and I'm awakened from sleep. Not just typically by the baby, but by my head filled with all that I'm trying to digest. I haven't been blogging for the obvious reasons of being too busy with life. My life has been quite full since my last post. We've moved back to Canada, moved into the RV, commenced school in the RV, catching up with dear friends and family we've left behind, Darling husband got himself a job, all the while seeking the next step in our path trying to juggle the daily necessities with adjusting to days without Daddy at home during the day. It has been a long road of "waiting" as far as knowing what to do next, but we're starting to see the light on the other side of this tunnel.

I was trying to remember the name of some of the WWOOFers we've met in Japan as I was nursing my little one tonight. It is not uncommon that their faces or other people come into my mind, and I pray for them. But tonight, a particular Italian girl who taught me the saying "Que mangiata!" popped into my head. We had an unusual amount of amazing food, and we were full and happy. It was a welcome change from the monotonous diet of onion and lettuce we had been having. I was telling her how we were all saying "I'm so full bellied and happy!" in Japanese: "Tarafuku tabeta!" or "Onaka ippai!" I asked if there was some such saying in Italian. She told me that the closest that came to that was: "Que mangiata!" but it had to do with a big amount and a great quality.

I thought of countless nuances that different language brings, and thought of number of different way to draw it, and mold it out of clay the happy faces, full and satisfied faces. In the back of my mind, a song was going: "He brought me to His banqueting table... and His banner over me is love."

Then I thought of the parable Jesus talked about. How beggars were brought to the scrumptious banquet out of the streets because the original guests refused to come.

Then came more Scriptures, like a torrent. How He called Himself "Bread of Life" and whoever partakes of this bread will never go hungry. How He called out in Isaiah to come and taste what is good, and to feast on the richest of fares without cost. And other places like "Taste and see that the Lord is good." How He spoke to Peter bringing down feast on a sheet so that he sill go and share the Good News with Cornelius. Psalm 23: He prepares a table for me in the presence of my enemies. His countless allusions on feeding on His Word through Paul.

In this very full and crazy season of my life, I have been very overwhelmed at times. But it drove me to seek Him in His Word. I am far from having a regular diet, but I know that I've been feasting on Him. And more that I have sought, I was met with more than I had expected. The paradox of God is at work here, too. I came hungry, expecting to just eat "enough" - just enough to get me through today. Instead, I got more than I can chew on. My limited understanding was so ready to settle for less, but He keeps on giving me more. And I'm starting to see the reason of it all in the one Scripture that I felt in my heart to memorize:

[My determined purpose is] to know Him [that is] to become progressively more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonder of His person more strongly and clearly. - Philippians 3:10a AMP

I am finding out who He is in all of this. He is my Life, and my life consist of getting to experience and know Him. I must consume Him, the Word, in order for me to be full of Him... to carry Him in me... while He carries me in my life. And all that is happening in and around me is all explained.. or rather I can only digest it correctly when I have the steady diet of His Word. For in that I meet Him freshly and know the Person who is Oh so much more than I expected... always.

Oh the wonder of it all.

My heart is full, so full in fact, that I just had to come and type this out here.

So, the baby thing...

Now that the announcement is official (I mean that we are expecting), I shall blog about this adventure.

First of all, it has been full of surprises. You always hear about women who didn't know that they were pregnant 'til they were very pregnant. Occasionally you also hear of some that only found out when baby popped out. I always read or heard this stories with some incredulity thinking, "you gotta be kiddin'. How can one not know?" Well, it sort of now happened to me. I only realized I was carrying this life when it decided to make itself known by kicking me firmly within. Only then did I even think I may be pregnant.

I guess the lesson is: Never say it will never happen to me.


Secondly, this is a gift from God. Some of you that have known me for years have known that I've always wanted one more. My darling and I always had this conversation had settled into "2 and a half" number because I wasn't going to push and neither was he going to push for less. But after our youngest turned 5, he said he was done. I couldn't make him have one. You kind of need the other, ya know. So, prayerfully I went into dealing with my "loss" and had come to a peaceful place of "being done." Upon embarking on this adventure, we have properly dealt with this situation... or so we thought. God decided to tip the scale from 2.5 to a proper 3! I was elated! AND immediately got scared that my darling may think I tricked him. But amazingly, he got excited.

The lesson here is: When God makes a move, He doesn't miss a beat.


Thirdly, this baby is behaving VERY different from my last two pregnancy. I am still yet unsure as to whether that is a personal difference or a gender difference. It also could be that I'm much older than I was with my other pregnancy. Who knows. We will find out when s/he decides to grace us with his or her presence. I'm still waiting ... and as Japanese saying goes: waiting with my neck stretched out. By the time arrives, hopefully my neck won't match that of giraffe's! The guessing game is still on.

The biggest difference has been the pressure surrounding the birth. I'm giving birth for the first time in Japan, and as a woman who has experienced previously both c-section and natural birth. VBAC is really controversial here now, and after much search, all I could find was one doctor who was willing to let me try. Now he too would like me to throw the towel and schedule a c-section.

In the course of my search I've found out why such dark cloud of fear surround the obstetrics in Japan. There was a law suit that nullified all consent forms. The obstetrician and midwives are both without legal protection for taking any risks.

Lesson for this is still on going. I've cried out to God at every traumatic turn. Those of you on FB have been following me and praying with me. Thank you. God has been faithful in giving me affirmation after affirmation.

This is the last confirmation I received:

"But now listen, O Jacob, my servant,
Israel, whom I have chosen.

This is what the LORD says—
he who made you, who formed you in the womb,
and who will help you:
Do not be afraid, O Jacob, my servant,
Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.

For I will pour water on the thirsty land,
and streams on the dry ground;
I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring,
and my blessing on your descendants.

They will spring up like grass in a meadow,
like poplar trees by flowing streams.

One will say, 'I belong to the LORD ';
another will call himself by the name of Jacob;
still another will write on his hand, 'The LORD's,'
and will take the name Israel.

"This is what the LORD says—
Israel's King and Redeemer, the LORD Almighty:
I am the first and I am the last;
apart from me there is no God.

Who then is like me? Let him proclaim it.
Let him declare and lay out before me
what has happened since I established my ancient people,
and what is yet to come—
yes, let him foretell what will come.

Do not tremble, do not be afraid.
Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago?
You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me?
No, there is no other Rock; I know not one."

Isaiah 44: 1-8

The doctor and I feel very differently over the risk of uterine rapture. He, being afraid of lawsuit, can only see it from that fear and made it sound like it would be an instant death for both me and baby. That is, if it EVER happened. The chances are in the less than single digit. There's also a vicious rumour (I could find no studies to back this up whatsoever) that second VBAC is much more riskier for rapture. I pointed this out and asked him if he was afraid of a lawsuit. He admitted he was.

In this verse, notice that God not only promises my children to know Him (and He mentions three!), but He also taunts "let him foretell what will come."

Even though I went and did a serious research and found the evidence to be otherwise, having a grown man, and a professional none the less, be so filled with fear really affected me. All kinds of taunting from the Enemy bombarded my mind. That was why I called out to Him in my distress. AND I didn't go looking for verses that would say this. It fell in my lap during my morning devotion!

One of the things I'm learning from this lesson is: God LOVES me! So much.

I've spent today in tears because I haven't been able to abide in that peace. My puny mind and pathetic self fall always back into incredulity of His immense love for me. It doesn't help that I'm getting really impatient about the baby, too.

For once I'm posting this while it is happening, and not afterwards.

People, I don't know it all. I never have. I, too, hit my head on the wall and fall in the dumps. It isn't just words I describe. It feels tediously LONG when I'm in this place. But I have a hope that He will come through for me again, despite myself, because He has so done it over and over again. I cling to the fact that HE DOESN'T CHANGE.

I hope to report the good news when the time comes. In the meantime, I keep on.

Adventure

If you have been following our adventure blog, or if you knew we were off to a six months adventure to Japan, you were probably not very surprised to see that this blog stayed virtually untouched. It isn't that I haven't had any musings. There's been a plenty! But it has been very hard to put into words. I needed some time to digest it, and put into words.

We left BC with the idea to stay in Japan for 6 months, as you know. Well, if it was still according to our plans, we should've been home already, but we are not. Plans, when one is on an adventure where God is at the helm, tends to get changed. In our case, it was with a sudden realization that we will be graced with another member to our family... very soon.

As exciting as that is, that is not what I really want to blog about today.

When we set off to this adventure, my conviction about God was really personal and hadn't broken out of the cultural divide into the Japanese side as much. Knowing Japanese, too, I was a bit hesitant as to how to approach them with the Good News that is the Gospel. I knew hitting them with "talk" can backfire miserably. I didn't want to just talk. Having seen how my dear husband lives it with hardly a "talk", I was hoping to just live it out loud. However, I had my doubts whether that'd be enough. I know it is not a coincidence that God made me a talker. Sometimes I just cannot hold it inside. It is part of God's design in making me that I should put my thoughts into words and "communicate." I can see that the past few many years were a training time to learn to reign in my hasty tongue and not let every thought out, but filter it through the Lord first.

Another thing was that I knew God hasn't been absent entirely in cultures that haven't had the Gospel influence prior to missionary work. In finding these out, it was exhilarating, and at the same time very perplexing. I had to face the question: Can one find God without Jesus?

A number of weeks ago, my husband's cousin was asking the same question on Facebook, and it hit me that I had resolved this issue without really realizing it. I found myself answering with confidence, God leaves his invitation to us all around us in HIs creation. It is a clue to who He is. However, it is incomplete. God chose specifically to reveal Himself in Jesus, because there was no other fit way to express Himself and get the job done.

This brought me back to a conversation I had with a WWOOF host in Wakayama. A very lovely honest woman, kind, lively and energetic. We all have come to really love her dearly. One day she drove us to the mountains to see her daughter's family so that my hubby can see her son in law's wood working workshop. (He's a carpenter.)

On the way back, we got into this conversation where she asked me, "You keep mentioning this God. Who is it that you believe?" She knew I was a Christian, so I knew she was wanting more than a label for an answer. I told her that I believed in the Creator of Heaven and Earth, who so loved us that He expresses Himself in the creation surrounding us, but even sent HIs only Son in person so that we can come to know Him more intimately, and in that He would experience it all that we go through here and be close to us. She sounded taken aback.

Then she told me how she felt turned off towards Christianity. She has an older sister who went to a Christian College. When she came home on holidays, way back when, she asked her sister what this Christianity was all about. All those unbelievable stories in the Bible; aren't they just a crazy stories just like in Shinto tales? Long story short, this sister only knew Christianity as rules and regulations and her response tells me that she herself wasn't very sure. She probably felt put on the spot and didn't really want to explain what she herself hadn't figured out. She told her little sister off and didn't answer. It didn't help, too, that these two went on to have an enmity that still lasts to this day. A very sad witness. At any rate, she muttered then that she didn't feel like this was a same God I believed in.

I felt at this point in the conversation that I wasn't to push. So I emphatically said that I was very sad that her sister didn't hear her well and answered her honestly. I also said that we humans complicate the simple profound truth of God. God asks us to love one another. We don't know how to love properly. So we make all kinds of descriptions like rules saying "it isn't this" but rule keeping isn't the same as loving. True loving comes from within.

That is how this conversation ended. I felt full even though I hadn't had a "life committing conversion" talk with her. At the same time, I felt also a sadness. How can she know all the ways God revealed Himself if she doesn't read the Bible and know Jesus? There is so much contrary beliefs and information out here. Nature is crippled as is. Even the fingerprints He left in the origin on Shintoism has been corrupted into rituals and traditions. The person of Jesus IS the only clear representation!

I had a similar talk with her daughter-in-law. She was sharing with me how and why she feels attracted to Shinto right now. In the course of the conversation, she mentioned how she felt Christianity unreasonable because unbelievers were condemned to hell and believers' sole benefit was going to Heaven. Now, she also knew that I am a Christian.

My response to this? Well, I didn't jump on it like I think she was expecting. She went on to say that she liked how agriculture was part of worship in Shinto. In farming, we humans were communing with the gods. The she asserted that agriculture is described in the Bible as toil and only bad things were promised at the Fall.

That is where I came in. I said, that is a sad fallacy. I asked her if she has read the Bible herself. She answered NO. I said, be careful because Bible gets twisted more frequently. The reality is God created men in a garden. He worked with Adam in the garden at the time of Creation. God is the originator of growing things. God in the Bible is the Gardener. Tending plants was the first thing men learned and was a way of communing with Him. The only reason it turned to toil was because men chose to do the one thing God said not to do for the men's own sake.

Then I pretty much repeated how men complicate the simple message that comes from God. What we perceive as right or loving is so arbitrary and not necessarily what God would think Right or Loving.

I experienced the same feelings again. Both the joy and the sadness.

But you know what? She trusts me now. They both know that I won't be defensive and I am open to questions. I didn't rudely walked all over with muddy feet (arrogance) trampling over their conviction and beliefs. I just planted some truth as seeds. I am praying that those seeds will get watered. If my experience proves me right, I know that God will follow it up. Because it isn't a coincidence that we went there. I was meant to be part of that chain of events that leads them to the Truth who is Jesus.

In my twenties, my zeal for God often drove my tongue to quick and rash speech. I do care. I always have. I'm just grateful that He has grown me this far to care enough to choose wisely, wait on His lead. So many times "I" got in the way, I have come to fear I do more harm than good.

The other day, here in Nagano, I was talking to a young girl who has a very clear boundary and has been talking to me about her last relationship. This was oddly familiar, I tell you. I remember a similar scene ... oh what, twenty years ago?!... during University with a classmate over lunch. I have entirely lost contact with this classmate after that lunch. She pretty much avoided me like a plague. ... but I digress. This time, I was able to choose my words better to suit my listener. Not just a mumble excited spew of words like I did way back when. That was a verbal diarrhea! This time, though, it went way better.

So, I say to you today. What is an adventure? Is it really going away to distant lands and experiencing different cultures? In a way it is one kind of an adventure. But I must say, it pales in comparison with this adventure I've been on since Jesus came into my life. He not only has taken me physically to different places, but has explored the inner parts of me and changed me inside out. The process I still am on. My heart has been on the ride of its life ever since, but joyfully! With Him at the helm, I can truly and sincerely say, I am safe and secure even if it doesn't seem like that to some looking in on the outside.

Our life, since we embarked on this adventure, so far hasn't looked "normal" for sure. But is "normal" a real thing? Average, maybe. But there is no such thing as "normal." It may not be average or what the majority does, but it is ours and His. What would've freaked me out a couple of years back, I am now taking in stride only because of His grace and presence. At times, when I get off this trusting peace and fret over someone else's life, it is as though I can hear Him say "But that is not your story" just like Aslan says to Lucy in Prince Caspian.

Let this peace continue to rule us!

Caring...

I've been thinking about writing on this for quite sometime because I'm seeing that this is a key word for me this year (so far), but haven't quite gotten around to it with all the hustle and bustle here. It is hard to get a time away to sort out one's thoughts when you're in a mobile home with 3 boys big and small. But tonight surprisingly I find myself alone with all of them sleeping early, I thought I attempt sorting this out.

When we start life here on Earth, most of us start by simply caring the people we're placed with. Some may say this instant caring is "love" and I'd say it is a form of it for sure. But you know what I mean. We all have accepted the persons (i.e family members) we were placed in as they came. That is our individual "normal." I believe we were wired that way.

Along the way, though, life happens, we hurt and get hurt, we get disappointed, and we learn. Somehow we all develop coping skills that aren't always very healthy, simply because life in this world is just full of pain. Some cope with just ignoring their feelings or denying it, others by becoming numb about it or even by finding an outlet like an addiction of some sort. All for the sole purpose of not feeling the hurt all of the time. Some of us have had a rather abnormal "normal" that was extremely dark, and we plunge into the above mentioned options in a rush for relief. We all like sheep go astray and our hearts become jaded in a varied degrees and shades.

We all come into this world somewhat helpless, totally innocent, gullible, vulnerable and pure - a clean slate. I believe our caring start out being outward (i.e. caring about others more than our own feelings) whereas by the time we're considered adults, most of our caring grow inward (i.e. caring and guarding our own feelings). Even though we are born with the propensity to sin, and I don't deny that for a minute, I believe that children believe, love and forgive easily because of this outward caring tendencies they bring with themselves. And I also believe that the Lord has a special tenderness towards children because of this (Matthew 18:4&5), and I believe this is what he means when he says we must be like little children. (Matthew 18:3)

I say all of this because in my journey, I'm realizing that the stumbling blocks that have come were in the way of my heart hardening from one reason or other. I'm also coming to the realization that the Lord healing my past hurts enables me to be more free in my caring and loving others... just like when I was littler but with deeper understanding and compassion. Not by any stretch of the imagination I'm claiming that I am able to love and care for others without restraint all of the time, but I am getting better at it is what I'm saying. And I see a correlation in the amount of healing God has done in my life and the amount of caring I'm able to give others. Because it is just like my God. He loves and cares like that: without restraint.

When I was very little, as in a toddler, much to my parents' dismay, I used to just walk up to strangers and strike up a conversation. It is rather dangerous, I know, but I believe I was full of curiosity about finding out who each person was like - just as though I was opening up a wrapped chocolate surprise. I couldn't wait to find out what was so amazing about each particular creation of God! I am no longer as fearless as that, though. There are innumerable stories my mother tells me of similar incidents in chuckles which used to make me feel rather embarrassed. Part of me believed this lack of restraint was lack of intelligence. But now I am realizing that it is truly a gift my Father gave me. I like people. I believe God likes people, too. For some wonderful reason I will not know in this side of eternity, this is the design God had in me.

Recently I had number of relationship challenges. Through those challenges, I've learned the wisdom of the Lord in leaving us His Spirit. Left to my own device, I would have relied on my past coping skills (which are atrocious) and things would have indeed turned out quite atrocious - I've no doubt. But for the sure presence of a Counsellor who speaks which way to go, I'm learning to trust His voice over my "feelings" that are often misguided.

For instance, my gut feeling was to go and enjoy myself with my closest friends. When my jolly plan fell through for an undisclosed reason, I could have persisted to stick with my plan and ditch my "duty." But this "duty" was also someone I loved. The voice said, "let go for now, there'll be another time." Because I had obeyed (not too reluctantly) I found out extra blessings because I was needed with my "duty" and they didn't feel like a "duty" at all in the middle of the game. Or there was the time where there had been some hurt feelings that came by amongst my closest friends. My gut feeling was to suck it up. But the little voice said "S is right. You need to talk about this." I was scared and also I didn't want my mouth to spew off some more hurtful things. I love these people. I prayed and prayed and prayed. Very reluctantly I obeyed and went. Waited for my cue. I stuck with stating my feelings. I listened. I stuck with "I love you" and I waited. It all worked out - it couldn't have turned out any better than I ever could imagine.

So as I face the new relationship challenge that is marred with past hurts and all, and I hear the voice saying "Leave it with Me" I have to go with it. My feelings, my poor misguided feelings, warn me of all that the other party may be thinking about me. I am scared of those suggestions. But I need to remember who is the Ruler here. The Sovereign Lord. He shall be Sovereign over me, yet. He has not let me down at all, and He doesn't change. So I'm putting all of my stakes in His character, and ask Him to silence my worry warts. I guess part of writing this is also an exercise for me to KNOW and help me silence these head noise.

One of the people I know loves to quote the definition of insanity: "Expecting different result every time when you keep doing the same things." If you're having some difficulty with family as I am, why not try the Lord for a change? I have decided that listening to my fears and leaning on my past knowledge and coping skills hasn't gotten me any further with my loved ones. I am not caring for them any less. In fact, I think it is quite the opposite. You'd placing them in the most capable Hands ever.

Update

I've been rather absent from my blog lately, and those of you that have followed here probably are aware that the day of departure is near. So, I thought I post a little update and a link to our Adventure Blog.

Things have been going extremely well, and we were SO enjoying seeing things come together. Then I fell off from that height of "trusting" to fretting in seemingly seamless succession. In fact, I can't quite pin point when this all happened. All I know is that I found myself all flustered and almost losing my mind worrying about the rest of our time here 'til we leave. And the beast's name that caused it is... (drum roll)... is VISA. Not the plastic kind, but the silly bureaucratic kind. (No bureaucracy is pleasant, but I remembered this was one of the reasons I left Japan!) I feel the grip of this behemoth around my neck, breathing down fear and endless possible scenarios that could go wrong. I'm quite humbled to admit that I am pathetic. I have succumbed to this so easily and didn't even notice its power over me for over 2 weeks. I see now how I have forfeited the peace I had and chose this path. Yet I am pathetically swayed with every tiding coming my way, and I'm barely above water.

Smooth sailing makes a lame adventure, I guess.

So I'm learning to go back to Him, whose name is Peace, to ask for His peace and give Him all my worries.

Is it working? I know this would be one of the questions my good friend C would ask. My answer would be: I'm going to keep doing it just so I have something else to do! Otherwise I just get sucked right back into the immediate worrying/annoyed self!

When we ask ourselves "is this working?" I think we need to be really careful. Because behind that question there is an expectation that is hidden. It is a good question, but if that expectation is unrealistic and unreasonable, like having a very limited picture that has to match in order to be called "working" then it hinders us from benefiting from the experience or the question.

I've learned that whenever I asked this question my expectation was like that of a switch that has to give an immediate reaction to my question. But our praying/conversing with God isn't a magic switch. It is a communication. I've had to change my perspective in that I'm not asking to "get" something out of it, but to "be" with Him in some way in my time of need. Just having that assurance that He is listening makes the process a little more bearable than nothing at all.

So coming from that stand point, I'd say it IS working. Because all I want is not being worrying and fretting, escaping that state of being and resting in Him. It is more akin to hanging onto a life ring at this stage of the game.

My Japanese pastor had a very good point on a similar point. After he had told us that God knows our ultimate well being and has that in mind at all times, and that He wants to hear us talk with Him, my pastor brought out a bottle of Coke. And he said, "Imagine your own mother. Depending on what she thinks of this drink and knowing your need, if you ask her if she would open that bottle for you, she may say 'Yes, you must be thirsty. Here you go.' or 'You should wait a little to have something in your stomach because you haven't eaten anything.' or 'No, I have better thing in mind for you because this is not a good drink for you and will rot your teeth.' Similarly, if there is an alligator in the street and you ask to play with it, your mother will definitely say 'NO' because there is never a good reason for a child to play with an alligator. Whether we throw a tantrum or not, your mother will probably not change her mind for your sake. So with that in mind, we need to examine our heart's motivation when we ask God and listen to Him accordingly."

We have a very real and present enemy. That is for sure. But we also have a very real and present Victor over them with us! Hallelujah! Often our minds are the battle field where it all starts.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
- 1 Corinthians 10:5

If my imaginations gets me to go away from trusting in Him who has the reign over my life and every detail of it, then I must give it over to Him. See? My head comprehends more than my heart and myself. I'm so slow to act on what I do understand with my head.

So before we embark on our physical adventure, it appears that I have this mental adventure to finish. Please pray with me that I stay afloat in this turbulence and come out on the other side praising Him!

Cracked pots!?

My church has a regular "sharing" time besides the prayer time in the service which is a prerogative that can only be done effectively in a small church of less than 200. It usually happens once a month, typically with the communion service, and people share how God has been working in their lives.

These past couple of months I had thought of sharing the adventure that the Lord had put us on, but had decided against it time and time again primarily because I wasn't prepared to take the repetitive questions that I'd have to deal with: "Are you sure this is what God wants?" "What are you going to do with...?" "How about ...?" (Insert any number of variation in the dots: school, work, house, etc.) Also I myself was still needing and wanting a confirmation along the way (which I must say God has been more than generous to give us over and over).

We got a phone call the Friday before letting us know that our buyer's got an offer which will close this coming Friday which in turn will close our deal: Our house will be officially SOLD. I was vaguely thinking about all this when I was waiting to feel the now familiar nudge of whether I should go up or not. Then 2 Corinthians 4 popped into my head. That was the verse I had shared with my dear friend in Japan earlier that day. This verse and the verses in 1 John 4 that were read earlier in the service put things into perspective in me the moment our pastor said: "Does anyone else have anything to share? What is God doing with you these days?" My hand went up before I could veto the move.

I must say, half the time I speak, I have no forethought that is well thought out. No plan is there at all, really. It is the hallmark of who I am, like it or not. I am an extrovert through and through. I'd like to think that over the years I have learned to pre-think some of it, so I'd be less toxic. But I really don't have a "plan" as most introverts seem to feel they need to have before doing anything. My friends and I call ourselves "flying by the seat of our pants club" and I think I have a full-fledge right to be in it by the virtue of who I am.

But I digress...

I get up there, and basically start yakking my thoughts out loud. Mainly about observations of how I've been learning diversity is beautiful. Not just in animals and plants and all that, but in people. There really isn't anyone just like each one of us. Everyone of us is absolutely UNIQUE. Sure, there are some commonalities, but just like there is no snowflake the same and no fingerprint the same, there is NO human the same. So I confessed about my extroverted-ness, too. We tend to do a lot of verbal diarrhea that most introverts would cringe. But really, God does use our boldness stupidity, too. And I believe the opposite is true as well. God isn't limited at all! Isn't it marvelous that our God is SO much BIGGER than we can ever imagine? He can handle all this diversity and makes it all beautiful.

Then I shared a bit about my dear friend and her struggles. Hers is an illness of extreme physical challenge which boggles my mind. My immediate reaction is of being humbled, because I whine a lot. Then I chastise myself for whining about my "puny" problems.

There I stop. You noticed that? Does God do that comparison? NO. Does He belittle my woes? NO. Each of us have different set of challenges and troubles that we face. The intensity and the quality of it may vary but nevertheless each are seriously faced with those. Facing it, owning whatever part that is ours, and crying out to the Lord with the rest is all He cares, really. He doesn't compare us like we do. Love Himself doesn't do that. In the verse that was read in the service, it said "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4:8)" So if we're lacking love it is because we don't know Him enough. Isn't that the flip side of that? If we know Him more, we can love others more.

Now, don't think like I talked like this from the front, 'cause I didn't. (Yes we have to go up front to speak into the microphone!) I'm trying my hardest to revive what wound up coming out of my mouth.

So I said: "Why do we think we need to be brave all on our own? Because if we could, then Jesus didn't at all have to come and die for us. The point is, and remains to be, we aren't supposed to be able to do it. Period. Isn't that a comfort?"

Then I read from 2 Corinthians 4, - verses 5-12:

For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

And I went and sat down feeling that now-familiar-feeling all over... the feeling of "Wow God, that was profound!" ... the feeling of "that was definitely not (just) ME" ...the feeling of He may be smiling on me.

Over the years of following Jesus, I have come to realize that all I have to do is often just show up or even just open my mouth - HE does the rest. It was astounding to me yesterday to realize it has been 20 years since I first said "yes" to Jesus. I was not always quick to follow, nor to open my mouth with His urgings, nor to show up where He told me to be. I was a much-afraid, and would often ignore that nudge and talk myself out of it. But it was accumulation of those many many tiny steps toward Him and many many days of Him proving Himself trustworthy, faithful and true, AND getting to know Him through the Word.

God knows our fickle hearts and knows how to bind it together where it is broken. As fickle as they are, if we venture out to engage our hearts as fully as we are able with Him, He does magic with it. He can even replace a stone one with a living one.

I think of the verse Jesus read in the synagogue after His showdown with Satan. Do you remember? It was Isaiah 61:1

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners

I am a living testimony of that for sure. He said this verse was fulfilled in their hearing. The effect of that fulfillment reaches me, and is available for others still.

In the Bible study I'm doing right now (on my own) the beginning of these verses I'm to memorize this week, but I want to put a whole chunk:

"You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.

I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior.

I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God.

Yes, and from ancient days I am he.
No one can deliver out of my hand.
When I act, who can reverse it?"

-Isaiah 43:10

Oh what comfort, what Peace! I am safe in His hands. I can be unadulterated ME - the original design of ME is being redeemed! Not only that, He wants to be found, known, believed and understood by ME! AND each and everyone of us! Wow. None of these I could do on my own, but He made the way. AND He wants ALL to come like I did. I so long for more people to know Him because of this unbelievable truth. This is becoming a growing glowing desire within me.

So, after I had that chance to go up, I had a picture of a jar/pot (whatever you want to call it - a piece of pottery) that is glowing and the designs or the scars gives the glimpse of the light within. It reminded me of my friend's collection of beautiful china thing called Limoge. As you can see in the picture when the tealight is lit and put inside, the design on the china glows clearly out and it is just stunning. My picture was similar to that, but less predictable. Because the work is in progress. The scars and broken parts still look like bumps and the design is not as recognizable. But I believe, all those scars He heals will become part of us that in a redeemed light will radiate a beautiful picture of Him in the end.

Doing Christmas differently...

Are you game? Check this out. If you feel drained by the whole fiasco, this may just give you back "perspective."