So, the baby thing...

Now that the announcement is official (I mean that we are expecting), I shall blog about this adventure.

First of all, it has been full of surprises. You always hear about women who didn't know that they were pregnant 'til they were very pregnant. Occasionally you also hear of some that only found out when baby popped out. I always read or heard this stories with some incredulity thinking, "you gotta be kiddin'. How can one not know?" Well, it sort of now happened to me. I only realized I was carrying this life when it decided to make itself known by kicking me firmly within. Only then did I even think I may be pregnant.

I guess the lesson is: Never say it will never happen to me.


Secondly, this is a gift from God. Some of you that have known me for years have known that I've always wanted one more. My darling and I always had this conversation had settled into "2 and a half" number because I wasn't going to push and neither was he going to push for less. But after our youngest turned 5, he said he was done. I couldn't make him have one. You kind of need the other, ya know. So, prayerfully I went into dealing with my "loss" and had come to a peaceful place of "being done." Upon embarking on this adventure, we have properly dealt with this situation... or so we thought. God decided to tip the scale from 2.5 to a proper 3! I was elated! AND immediately got scared that my darling may think I tricked him. But amazingly, he got excited.

The lesson here is: When God makes a move, He doesn't miss a beat.


Thirdly, this baby is behaving VERY different from my last two pregnancy. I am still yet unsure as to whether that is a personal difference or a gender difference. It also could be that I'm much older than I was with my other pregnancy. Who knows. We will find out when s/he decides to grace us with his or her presence. I'm still waiting ... and as Japanese saying goes: waiting with my neck stretched out. By the time arrives, hopefully my neck won't match that of giraffe's! The guessing game is still on.

The biggest difference has been the pressure surrounding the birth. I'm giving birth for the first time in Japan, and as a woman who has experienced previously both c-section and natural birth. VBAC is really controversial here now, and after much search, all I could find was one doctor who was willing to let me try. Now he too would like me to throw the towel and schedule a c-section.

In the course of my search I've found out why such dark cloud of fear surround the obstetrics in Japan. There was a law suit that nullified all consent forms. The obstetrician and midwives are both without legal protection for taking any risks.

Lesson for this is still on going. I've cried out to God at every traumatic turn. Those of you on FB have been following me and praying with me. Thank you. God has been faithful in giving me affirmation after affirmation.

This is the last confirmation I received:

"But now listen, O Jacob, my servant,
Israel, whom I have chosen.

This is what the LORD says—
he who made you, who formed you in the womb,
and who will help you:
Do not be afraid, O Jacob, my servant,
Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.

For I will pour water on the thirsty land,
and streams on the dry ground;
I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring,
and my blessing on your descendants.

They will spring up like grass in a meadow,
like poplar trees by flowing streams.

One will say, 'I belong to the LORD ';
another will call himself by the name of Jacob;
still another will write on his hand, 'The LORD's,'
and will take the name Israel.

"This is what the LORD says—
Israel's King and Redeemer, the LORD Almighty:
I am the first and I am the last;
apart from me there is no God.

Who then is like me? Let him proclaim it.
Let him declare and lay out before me
what has happened since I established my ancient people,
and what is yet to come—
yes, let him foretell what will come.

Do not tremble, do not be afraid.
Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago?
You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me?
No, there is no other Rock; I know not one."

Isaiah 44: 1-8

The doctor and I feel very differently over the risk of uterine rapture. He, being afraid of lawsuit, can only see it from that fear and made it sound like it would be an instant death for both me and baby. That is, if it EVER happened. The chances are in the less than single digit. There's also a vicious rumour (I could find no studies to back this up whatsoever) that second VBAC is much more riskier for rapture. I pointed this out and asked him if he was afraid of a lawsuit. He admitted he was.

In this verse, notice that God not only promises my children to know Him (and He mentions three!), but He also taunts "let him foretell what will come."

Even though I went and did a serious research and found the evidence to be otherwise, having a grown man, and a professional none the less, be so filled with fear really affected me. All kinds of taunting from the Enemy bombarded my mind. That was why I called out to Him in my distress. AND I didn't go looking for verses that would say this. It fell in my lap during my morning devotion!

One of the things I'm learning from this lesson is: God LOVES me! So much.

I've spent today in tears because I haven't been able to abide in that peace. My puny mind and pathetic self fall always back into incredulity of His immense love for me. It doesn't help that I'm getting really impatient about the baby, too.

For once I'm posting this while it is happening, and not afterwards.

People, I don't know it all. I never have. I, too, hit my head on the wall and fall in the dumps. It isn't just words I describe. It feels tediously LONG when I'm in this place. But I have a hope that He will come through for me again, despite myself, because He has so done it over and over again. I cling to the fact that HE DOESN'T CHANGE.

I hope to report the good news when the time comes. In the meantime, I keep on.