When we start life here on Earth, most of us start by simply caring the people we're placed with. Some may say this instant caring is "love" and I'd say it is a form of it for sure. But you know what I mean. We all have accepted the persons (i.e family members) we were placed in as they came. That is our individual "normal." I believe we were wired that way. Along the way, though, life happens, we hurt and get hurt, we get disappointed, and we learn. Somehow we all develop coping skills that aren't always very healthy, simply because life in this world is just full of pain. Some cope with just ignoring their feelings or denying it, others by becoming numb about it or even by finding an outlet like an addiction of some sort. All for the sole purpose of not feeling the hurt all of the time. Some of us have had a rather abnormal "normal" that was extremely dark, and we plunge into the above mentioned options in a rush for relief. We all like sheep go astray and our hearts become jaded in a varied degrees and shades.
We all come into this world somewhat helpless, totally innocent, gullible, vulnerable and pure - a clean slate. I believe our caring start out being outward (i.e. caring about others more than our own feelings) whereas by the time we're considered adults, most of our caring grow inward (i.e. caring and guarding our own feelings). Even though we are born with the propensity to sin, and I don't deny that for a minute, I believe that children believe, love and forgive easily because of this outward caring tendencies they bring with themselves. And I also believe that the Lord has a special tenderness towards children because of this (Matthew 18:4&5), and I believe this is what he means when he says we must be like little children. (Matthew 18:3)
I say all of this because in my journey, I'm realizing that the stumbling blocks that have come were in the way of my heart hardening from one reason or other. I'm also coming to the realization that the Lord healing my past hurts enables me to be more free in my caring and loving others... just like when I was littler but with deeper understanding and compassion. Not by any stretch of the imagination I'm claiming that I am able to love and care for others without restraint all of the time, but I am getting better at it is what I'm saying. And I see a correlation in the amount of healing God has done in my life and the amount of caring I'm able to give others. Because it is just like my God. He loves and cares like that: without restraint.
When I was very little, as in a toddler, much to my parents' dismay, I used to just walk up to strangers and strike up a conversation. It is rather dangerous, I know, but I believe I was full of curiosity about finding out who each person was like - just as though I was opening up a wrapped chocolate surprise. I couldn't wait to find out what was so amazing about each particular creation of God! I am no longer as fearless as that, though. There are innumerable stories my mother tells me of similar incidents in chuckles which used to make me feel rather embarrassed. Part of me believed this lack of restraint was lack of intelligence. But now I am realizing that it is truly a gift my Father gave me. I like people. I believe God likes people, too. For some wonderful reason I will not know in this side of eternity, this is the design God had in me.
Recently I had number of relationship challenges. Through those challenges, I've learned the wisdom of the Lord in leaving us His Spirit. Left to my own device, I would have relied on my past coping skills (which are atrocious) and things would have indeed turned out quite atrocious - I've no doubt. But for the sure presence of a Counsellor who speaks which way to go, I'm learning to trust His voice over my "feelings" that are often misguided.
For instance, my gut feeling was to go and enjoy myself with my closest friends. When my jolly plan fell through for an undisclosed reason, I could have persisted to stick with my plan and ditch my "duty." But this "duty" was also someone I loved. The voice said, "let go for now, there'll be another time." Because I had obeyed (not too reluctantly) I found out extra blessings because I was needed with my "duty" and they didn't feel like a "duty" at all in the middle of the game. Or there was the time where there had been some hurt feelings that came by amongst my closest friends. My gut feeling was to suck it up. But the little voice said "S is right. You need to talk about this." I was scared and also I didn't want my mouth to spew off some more hurtful things. I love these people. I prayed and prayed and prayed. Very reluctantly I obeyed and went. Waited for my cue. I stuck with stating my feelings. I listened. I stuck with "I love you" and I waited. It all worked out - it couldn't have turned out any better than I ever could imagine.
So as I face the new relationship challenge that is marred with past hurts and all, and I hear the voice saying "Leave it with Me" I have to go with it. My feelings, my poor misguided feelings, warn me of all that the other party may be thinking about me. I am scared of those suggestions. But I need to remember who is the Ruler here. The Sovereign Lord. He shall be Sovereign over me, yet. He has not let me down at all, and He doesn't change. So I'm putting all of my stakes in His character, and ask Him to silence my worry warts. I guess part of writing this is also an exercise for me to KNOW and help me silence these head noise.
One of the people I know loves to quote the definition of insanity: "Expecting different result every time when you keep doing the same things." If you're having some difficulty with family as I am, why not try the Lord for a change? I have decided that listening to my fears and leaning on my past knowledge and coping skills hasn't gotten me any further with my loved ones. I am not caring for them any less. In fact, I think it is quite the opposite. You'd placing them in the most capable Hands ever.
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