Update

I've been rather absent from my blog lately, and those of you that have followed here probably are aware that the day of departure is near. So, I thought I post a little update and a link to our Adventure Blog.

Things have been going extremely well, and we were SO enjoying seeing things come together. Then I fell off from that height of "trusting" to fretting in seemingly seamless succession. In fact, I can't quite pin point when this all happened. All I know is that I found myself all flustered and almost losing my mind worrying about the rest of our time here 'til we leave. And the beast's name that caused it is... (drum roll)... is VISA. Not the plastic kind, but the silly bureaucratic kind. (No bureaucracy is pleasant, but I remembered this was one of the reasons I left Japan!) I feel the grip of this behemoth around my neck, breathing down fear and endless possible scenarios that could go wrong. I'm quite humbled to admit that I am pathetic. I have succumbed to this so easily and didn't even notice its power over me for over 2 weeks. I see now how I have forfeited the peace I had and chose this path. Yet I am pathetically swayed with every tiding coming my way, and I'm barely above water.

Smooth sailing makes a lame adventure, I guess.

So I'm learning to go back to Him, whose name is Peace, to ask for His peace and give Him all my worries.

Is it working? I know this would be one of the questions my good friend C would ask. My answer would be: I'm going to keep doing it just so I have something else to do! Otherwise I just get sucked right back into the immediate worrying/annoyed self!

When we ask ourselves "is this working?" I think we need to be really careful. Because behind that question there is an expectation that is hidden. It is a good question, but if that expectation is unrealistic and unreasonable, like having a very limited picture that has to match in order to be called "working" then it hinders us from benefiting from the experience or the question.

I've learned that whenever I asked this question my expectation was like that of a switch that has to give an immediate reaction to my question. But our praying/conversing with God isn't a magic switch. It is a communication. I've had to change my perspective in that I'm not asking to "get" something out of it, but to "be" with Him in some way in my time of need. Just having that assurance that He is listening makes the process a little more bearable than nothing at all.

So coming from that stand point, I'd say it IS working. Because all I want is not being worrying and fretting, escaping that state of being and resting in Him. It is more akin to hanging onto a life ring at this stage of the game.

My Japanese pastor had a very good point on a similar point. After he had told us that God knows our ultimate well being and has that in mind at all times, and that He wants to hear us talk with Him, my pastor brought out a bottle of Coke. And he said, "Imagine your own mother. Depending on what she thinks of this drink and knowing your need, if you ask her if she would open that bottle for you, she may say 'Yes, you must be thirsty. Here you go.' or 'You should wait a little to have something in your stomach because you haven't eaten anything.' or 'No, I have better thing in mind for you because this is not a good drink for you and will rot your teeth.' Similarly, if there is an alligator in the street and you ask to play with it, your mother will definitely say 'NO' because there is never a good reason for a child to play with an alligator. Whether we throw a tantrum or not, your mother will probably not change her mind for your sake. So with that in mind, we need to examine our heart's motivation when we ask God and listen to Him accordingly."

We have a very real and present enemy. That is for sure. But we also have a very real and present Victor over them with us! Hallelujah! Often our minds are the battle field where it all starts.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
- 1 Corinthians 10:5

If my imaginations gets me to go away from trusting in Him who has the reign over my life and every detail of it, then I must give it over to Him. See? My head comprehends more than my heart and myself. I'm so slow to act on what I do understand with my head.

So before we embark on our physical adventure, it appears that I have this mental adventure to finish. Please pray with me that I stay afloat in this turbulence and come out on the other side praising Him!